Grasp the Air
by Kyla45
Summary: “What are you talking about, Anzu?” he asked. “Atemu is right here.” Anzu POV. Oneshot. Yuugi & Atemu.


Yuugi was abnormally happy. I say abnormally, because, if things were normal, he wouldn't be happy. Well. 'Wouldn't be happy' is a bit of an understatement. That boy would be fighting off the steely soft grip of despair.

But he wasn't. That continued to baffle me. After the event, everyone was sad. We all thought that it would be hardest on Yuugi. It wasn't like any of us had shared a soul with the Pharaoh. And yet, he never once looked sad. I'd never seen him crying. Of course, Yuugi was the kind of kid who wasn't scared to let tears fall and surely this deserved some tears in light of the aftermath? Especially considering the way he had cried at the last duel, when the Pharaoh went back where he belonged.

Every time I saw a genuine smile light his face, it confused me. It put me at unease for some ridiculous reason. I thought 'maybe he's breaking, maybe he's going insane and all he can do is smile.'

But God, that's a stupid thought. Because he didn't act insane. Not in the least. He was happy. And there was no faking this kind of brimming over the top happiness that even affected people within a certain radius.

After a while, when it was expected of us all that the Pharaoh remain nothing more than a wistful and happy memory, Yuugi was still unfazed. When we all thought it was okay to talk about the Pharaoh, and while we did exactly that, Yuugi joined in the conversations, grinning like an idiot at the smallest recollection of the past.

I don't know why, but it almost made me angry with Yuugi. He was the closest one to the Pharaoh, and he couldn't even spare him the recognition of his leave from this era. It made me mad. How could Yuugi be so disrespectful when it killed me inside thinking about the fact that he was gone, and the fact that I was never and never could have been as close to the Pharaoh as Yuugi was.

Every smile Yuugi beamed made me a little angry. I thought 'how can you smile like that, you ungrateful kid?'

I tried to neutralize my thoughts. But in the end I was always just a little annoyed and confused.

Sometimes I caught Yuugi in the middle of class, his chin in hand, with a soft look in his eyes and a secret smile. He eyes would speak volumes. Like they were literally speaking to someone, but I couldn't know what they were saying, or whom they were speaking to.

As we all walked home after school, I started to observe that as his hand hung loosely by his side, he would grasp the air, as if he were grasping another hand. His hand wouldn't loose it's form the entire time, and I wondered how he managed to do that without twitching.

And hey, don't get me wrong. I've not become some creepy stalker scrutinizing his ever move. This whole hand thing is very subtle. It's hardly noticeable. It's almost like a normal, slack position, and yet, if you look closely enough, you know it's not.

But, these things only confused me more. He was my dear friend, and I wondered why I was questioning his happiness so much. My own intentions--or the lack of knowing them-- disturbed me as much.

I was behaving so foolishly. My thoughts were suddenly cold and vindictive. And it bugged me to the extreme.

I hated myself for thinking badly of him when he caught my far off look and asked what was wrong, so over the top with concern and care that I was ashamed of myself for thinking the way I did.

Things were getting worse by the day. I could not, for the life of me, put the matter out of my head. I kept repeating the same thought process over and over again, and I always came out with the same result, such an annoying question: why is Yuugi happy?

More importantly, why should I care so much? It ran circles in my head, and it drove me insane.

I was starting to notice weird things. Like how Yuugi would sometimes blank out during a conversation, and a reaction would come to the surface that had nothing to do with the situation.

For instance, once we were talking about getting some ice cream, and suddenly a tinge had dusted his cheeks while he looked embarrassed, obviously, without any apparent reason. He pasted a sloppy smile on his face when someone took notice and then proceeded to tell everyone he was fine, nervously laughing it off.

It was so weird. Such behavior...it almost mirrored how he used to act when the Pharaoh was still part of his soul. Always having private conversations, and detaching himself from the world for unpredictable periods of time.

One day, when our group had diminished to Jou and I on the way to our respective houses, I thought I might try and talk about my turmoil. Just a little.

" Hey," I said.

" Yeah?" he replied with a yawn.

" Why so tired?" I asked suddenly, with a knowing tone in my voice. He probably stayed up late finishing his homework. Leaving it to the last minute, as always.

" Aw, Anzu. I know you know." He titled his head towards me guiltily. " I did the entire science project last night."

" We got that assignment over a month ago!" I scolded.

" Yeah, yeah, I know!" he replied glumly. " I couldn't decide what to do and I--"

" Right, Jou, save it. You're just lazy and unmotivated."

Half seriously, he countered me. " Only when it comes to school."

It was silent for a while. And then I decided to go for it.

" Hey."

" Mmm?"

" Do you think it's...weird that Yuugi has been so happy lately? Or well. I guess. He doesn't seem to be saddened whenever we mention the Pharaoh."

God. I couldn't have been any more articulate than that.

Jou glanced at me, and then directed his gaze forward.

" I think he's dealing with it very maturely," he said lightly.

" Yeah. But, do you think...maybe. Maybe he's in denial or something? I've seen him sometimes, just like how he used to be when the Pharaoh was still here. This is Yuugi here, he's never been one to repress his emotions. I'm just worried." I bit my lip. I was worried, but hardly for Yuugi's sake.

" Anzu," he said, still lightly and good-natured. " Yuugi's happy. No one expected him to be. Thank whatever freaky forces in this world that he is, don't question it," he made a short chortle in the back of his throat, always one to relieve a tense situation.

But the way he said it made me feel so ashamed of myself. The way it sounded as though he were scolding me, when it was always the other way around. And yet he didn't sound angry at my remarks. He sounded so mature.

" Yeah, you're right," was the best I could muster. I went home soon after, and fell into to a very troubling sleep.

What in the world was wrong with me?

The next day, long after school had ended, I was descending the stairway. The library had kept me occupied, and I hadn't realized how late it was. Outside the window, the sun was setting brilliantly, in dazzling shades of warm colors, spilling over the world.

I smiled thoughtfully to myself. My foot took a step down, followed by my other foot. And then both my feet stopped moving.

At the landing, illuminated by the warm light, was Yuugi. He was sitting against the wall, his eyes were closed. His face was flushed, and his arm was outstretched slightly as if he were resting it on something. I could hear his breath in the silence of the stairwell. It was slightly quicker than normal.

I held my own breath. I suppressed a gasp as the next moment unfolded. Because, there, bending down, with his lips touching Yuugi's, was the Pharaoh himself. Yuugi held his shoulder lightly, and the position they had adapted emitted a tender, passionate aura.

And then I blinked, and only Yuugi remained before my eyes. I shook my head. I needed sleep, badly, especially if I was hallucinating. And of Yuugi kissing the Pharaoh no less! I battered the thought viciously, immediately uneasy.

I swallowed loudly and forced my feet to move.

" Yuugi?" I ventured carefully.

The boy's eyes opened quickly. His hand fell from the air and his previous demeanor was all gone save for the red flush covering his cheeks.

" Anzu," he perked, smiling at me.

" What are you doing here so late?" I asked him, bells going off in my head. What had he been doing, if not what I'd initially thought I'd seen?

" Oh, just thinking," he replied.

I didn't want to probe, so I settled for his answer. I sat down across from him, leaning against a wall. After some idle chat about school, home lives and upcoming events, I found my lips and voice box working against my better judgement and forming words I thought were unwise.

" Yuugi, do you ever miss the Pharaoh?"

He looked briefly surprised at my question, but answered without hesitation.

" No."

Despite myself, I was suddenly outraged.

" But, how? How can you not miss him?" I shot, trying to keep my voice under control.

" Anzu, I--"

I didn't even let him finish. My emotions had burst forth, and there was no halting them now.

" I think of him everyday, and what was I? Simply another friend! You, how could you not miss him? You were his soul mate!" I practically screamed. And boy, did that come out right. 'Soul mate.' I meant it literally, but it certainly didn't sound how I meant it.

" How are you not affected? You didn't even have to _try_ to be someone precious to him, and you never looked sad, not once. You're still happy. How can you say you don't miss him? He's gone!"

Yuugi had stood up, and had taken a small step forward. The large picture window was directly behind him, and the warm light cascading in made him glow eerily.

" Anzu," Yuugi said, gaining my full attention. " The Pharaoh's been on vacation here, I guess you could say," he shrugged. That was his explanation.

I blinked, all the anger draining from my face and soul. Yuugi looked completely serious. I knew he wasn't playing a trick on me. So then...

My face converted to a look of compassion.

" Yuugi," I uttered softly. " That's not possible. There's no way the Pharaoh could visit you." So, the poor boy was delusional.

Simply delusional.

Yuugi looked past me as he answered.

" Atemu came...back for a long term visit." The way he said it, well, it made it sound like it was comical; as if to say the Pharaoh had never truly left him, like the Pharaoh would never leave him.

Like the word 'visit' didn't serve its true purpose in the situation.

It sent an involuntary shiver down my spine.

" I am sorry, it's terribly difficult for him to make himself visible to anyone else," he said; and he did look apologetic.

Okay, I thought. I'll play along here. " Why only you, then?" I asked, skeptical despite my intentions.

" I wonder," he said, as if it was some inside joke that I was not a part of.

A little bit of my anger came back. _I'm just playing along, Anzu!_ I reminded myself. " Why can't I -- the rest of us see him? Why are you keeping him to yourself?" I bit back the sharp tone that strained against my 'act.'

" I keep him because he is mine," Yuugi said softly.

" What?" I sputtered, my face flooding with warmth. Hell, late reaction, on my part. I had seen them _kissing_, albeit that_ was _a hallucinating, still; why be shocked now? But even so...something like that...it just...I mean...the Pharaoh? Yuugi's? _His?_

" I'm sorry, Anzu. It's just...he's half of me...mine, always," he looked like he was struggling how to explain this to me, scratching his chin and looking to the ceiling in the familiar position adapted by many. But he was also completely serious.

I shook my head lightly, understanding racing through me like lightning. I let my anger die and basked in the relief that burrowed in my core. Poor, poor boy. Maybe this had broken him. There was no 'maybe,' actually. It _had_ broken him. Past the point of sanity.

I smiled, hopefully, comfortingly and soothingly.

" Yuugi, you miss him too much! He's not there, you have to just accept the fact that he's gone," I said as softly and as full of compassion as I could muster.

The boy stared at me for a moment, not much of any emotion shaping his face. He simply stared. And then the tiniest of smiles captured his lips.

" What are you talking about, Anzu?" he asked, as he crossed his right hand over his breast and onto his left shoulder. " Atemu is right here."

The words hit me after I noticed that his hand wasn't completely touching the shoulder he was supposed to be gripping. The words hit me after I saw the dream-like look take over Yuugi's face.

The words made sense after I noticed the tender smile that wasn't for me.

Most importantly, the words made sense after I saw who was standing behind Yuugi.

It was only after I saw the Pharaoh, realistically now for the second time, with his hand on Yuugi's shoulder; the boy's hand covering the darker one, that everything made sense. All the far away looks that adorned Yuugi's face, all the odd instances, even the one I had just witnessed.

With a calm mind, I realized that Yuugi had _actually_ been kissing the Pharaoh. If his swollen lips (now that I looked) and the blush that had lingered much too long were any indication.

Idly, I thought to myself; _this explains a lot_. Too much, actually.

And then, I couldn't see the Pharaoh anymore. And the impact fully hit me. Like a train embracing me at full speed. I repressed a scream. I could only gape at the soft expression that seemed to be etched on Yuugi's face. The utterly peaceful, satisfied, content, hazy look.

A trembling sound came from the back of my throat. It wasn't a word, it was just a sound filled with desperation.

Before I knew what was happening, my feet were pounding up the stairs, and I was short of breath and gasping. I ran as fast as I could, almost falling as I turned sharp corners in my frantic dash. I sprinted out of the school, sobbing for air.

An ugly realization finally broke the surface of my misguided and confused thoughts. The reason I had been so suspicious of Yuugi's happiness was because I knew...always knew...it wasn't possible...probable...for him to be content like that without the Pharaoh – the Pharaoh who was suppose to be gone from this world.

Though I even thought the idea ridiculous now, in some deep juncture of my mind I had always considered it. I'd never wanted to acknowledge it. Were the Pharaoh really by Yuugi's side, even now...then I was jealous. I was hurt. I wanted him to share.

My deluded mind had been right all along, in its deepest corners, hadn't it? Yuugi was only happy because he had a reason to be. The Pharaoh being said reason. I knew it all along.

I continued my desperate sprint until my legs and lungs could carry me no further. With a quick scan of my surroundings, I made the appropriate redirecting and started my way home.

Concentrating fully on erasing my mind with each step, I eventually came to my home with some amount of calm. I was able to go through the rest of the day, lingering on nothing but contemplations of what to eat.

I lay down late at night in my bed, a mantra repeating itself non-stop in my head now. 'It wasn't real, it wasn't real.'

Unconsciously the thought burrowed into my mind, my heart. I started to believe it. It was a beautiful reassurance to rely on whenever my mind wandered to earlier.

By the time my eyes could hardly be held open, and when my mind was just barely gripping the scraps of consciousness, I_ knew_ that none of it had happened. I had simply imagined the unreal.

And yet, even though I knew this, I dreamt of a nameless person...someone I knew...but couldn't name. His eyes were glowing softly, he looked positively blissful; unworried. He hummed lowly. Then, the latent realization came that he was curled in someone's lap. Another unnameable someone. I could see nothing of the other's expression, but the one being held leaned back against his stronghold and closed his eyes. Then, a deep, tender voice echoed through my mind.

'Sleep, little one.' And even while sleeping, I knew the voice was not speaking to me.

When I awoke, I was disoriented, and I ran to the bathroom to empty my suddenly heaving stomach.

I started preparations for another school day, laughed aloud and told myself that I _had not _dreamt of Yuugi and the Pharaoh.

I laughed again, and then left my room, grinning.

Yuugi greeted me with a wave and a sincere smile. Somehow, even though I knew yesterday was the production of my inner most insanity, I had to suppress my immediate feelings of jealously and resentment towards the boy.

It was hard to smile at him, and I cursed myself, because there was no reason...no reason to feel this way over a hallucination...

The day went by in a blur, normally and uneventfully. Lazily, our troop started the walk home, chattering and silent.

Jou went with Honda, and the two said their 'see ya tomorrow's as they disappeared into his house, no doubt to waste mindless hours on video games.

But the entire time my friends walked ahead of me, laughing, joking and talking pleasantly, my mind refused to focus on the present. Instead it focused on my hallucinations of the previous day. What bothered me, almost more than anything else, was the way the Pharaoh had looked at me.

As he stood there, holding Yuugi comfortably and protectively, his eyes seared into mine. He gazed unflinchingly, his face intense, if anything. He looked calm, not as obtrusively happy as Yuugi, but...something about his very posture screamed silent contentment.

His eyes had bore into mine, wordlessly communicating something I did not want to hear. He spoke to me of nothing and everything, things I should have realized, things I didn't care to realize. He did not apologize like Yuugi, but fleetingly wished me good will...before telling me, _stating_, that...well...

All he had done was tighten the arm that was wrapped around's Yuugi's waist, enough for me to notice.

But god, he hadn't even said anything...only looked at me and made gestures, small, insignificant gestures...but...

I shook my head, absently waving briefly as Jou and Honda left.

I let Yuugi trail ahead of me, my spirits falling.

I felt like I wanted to cry as he grasped the air in his hand.

The air that wasn't air at all.

I watched as he grasped his eternal happiness.

And I felt my heart being clenched in the steely soft grip of despair.

* * *

More of a drabble than anything? Bah. It's up to you to decide whether or not Atemu was really there. I've my own take on this, and I want you to have your own as well! I may have made Anzu...a lil' out there, but hey. Who cares? I kind of like how this one came out. Review and tell me what you thought, because I'd like to know!

Anyway, this ficcy is dedicated to my darling, yugithecutie (check out his webby site, it's amazing and home to all yugi/yami fans). I've been dead and haven't visited him for the longest time, and if it weren't for him, my love for these two might have died out. He's so damn sweet. So, this is for him!! Love ya!

Mucho Love to ya'll!


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